Thursday, July 28, 2011

Things that Ruined My Childhood: The Smurfette Show

by Odienator

Over the next few weeks, I'll be introducing a few new features here at The Odie Blog. Let's start with:

Things that Ruined My Childhood

This banner features items that have given me a different perspective on a TV show, movie, or other media from my childhood. Sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss, especially if that ignorance was brought on by age-specific naivete. What sucks about growing up is that you realize what Scooby Snacks were, why SnagglePuss was pink and constantly having objects shoved up his ass, and why Afternoons were so delightful to Starland Vocal Band. Getting older clues you in to the activity Cyndi Lauper sang about in She-Bop. Girls really DO want to have fun, and as Redd Foxx famously said, "how the fuck do you think they can say no all the time?"

Actually, I'm grateful for figuring all that out. Figuring things out is a good thing. It's when things that were so innocent in your childhood are so twisted by sick and talented individuals that one's childhood becomes totally ruined. That's what I'll be discussing whenever this feature appears here at Tales of Odienary Madness.

First up: In honor of The Smufocalypse occurring this Friday, I give you TV Funhouse's The Smurfette Show.

TV Funhouse was one of the more consistently funny featurettes on Saturday Night Live. Created by Robert Smigel, TV Funhouse was the SNL Digital Short of its time. It was constantly offensive and often the funniest part of the show. It used edited audio clips to send John McCain back to Vietnam while trying to give an actual speech about George W. Bush. He used real audio of the 700 Club and scripted (at least I hope it was scripted) dialogue that had Pat Robertson saying that Lou Rawls was burning in Hell for singing You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine. Apparently the former Budweiser spokesman thought his love was better than God's. 

Smigel also had 60's legend and onscreen wife of Danny Glover, Darlene Love, sing a carol called "Chrstimastime for the Jews." He did the video in Claymation, too. And I won't even go down the road created by Smigel's Ambiguously Gay Duo, who were recently made real in a skit featuring Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon as the Duo and co-writers Steve Carrell and Stephen Colbert as their nemeses.

Many times, Smigel's cartoons tried to ruin my childhood and early adolescence. He had Tracy Morgan voicing an unemployed Mr. T looking for acting work in the least appropriate roles for his talent. Animated like the old Mr. T cartoon series, Clubber Lang shows up to beat the hell out of directors who won't let him play Henrik in A Doll's House or do a commercial for feminine hygiene products. TV Funhouse also featured a newly militant Franklin from Charlie Brown teaming up with Valerie from Josie and the Pussycats to give a speech at the Million Man March.

Neither of these ruined my childhood. Mr. T's breakfast cereal did more harm to me as a kid. Whose idea was it to market sharp ass letter T's made out of a Cap'n Crunch-like substance to little kids? It was like eating broken glass. And I was happy to see Franklin's Black Panther routine, even if it were short lived (he short-circuits during a performance of In the Ghetto because there are too many Blacks around). After all, Charlie Brown only had the personality-deprived kid around so that, when he got busted making coon jokes, he could say "but some of my best friends are Black."

The Smurfette Show hit a nerve, though, because it supported all the negative things my adult brain realized about the Smurfs. Debuting in 1981, the Smurfs were a seemingly innocent, if annoying, bunch of little blue creatures living in mushrooms on NBC. They were all male, but I never caught on to that because, outside of Bugs Bunny's transvestism (which was kinda hot, actually), cartoons were the last thing my pre-adolescent brain tried to sexualize. They used the word "smurf" as subsitution for numerous words, which was far less distracting than Strawberry Shortcake's berry talk. The Smurfs had names like Brainy, Jokey, Greedy, Handy and Vanity (not THAT Vanity). They were led by kindly old man, Papa Smurf, who shared the same last name as everybody else.

Then Smurfette showed up, and if I remember correctly, she was designed by Gargamel to destroy the camaraderie of the Smurfs. Unfortunately, Smurfette looked busted. None of the male Smurfs wanted to get with her because she was either too scary looking for them or they were too busy la-la-la-la-la-la-ing each other. After Papa Smurf gave her a makeover blonde coif and some new titties, however, she started raking in the big bucks as the only chick in the village. Papa Smurf knew Plain Janes were evil, and blondes have more fun. 

My older cousins used to say that Smurfette was curing all the other Smurfs of blue balls, which was impossible because--well, never mind. Fast-forward a couple of decades, and TV Funhouse has turned Smurfette into Anna Nicole Smurf.

Voiced by Amy Poehler, Smurfette is now a foul mouthed, bored  reality show ho who likes to party and enjoys rubbing her coochie on everything and everybody. "I'm sick of this BLEEP village," she whines. "Everybody's blue..." She is perpetually horny and hungry, yelling at one of the other Smurfs, "you ate the last piece of pizza, bitch!" She's seen humping her couch and mistreating her assistant, Low Self-Esteemy Smurf.

I now know which Smurf I would have been.

Smurfette is irritable because, as she tells Papa Smurf, "My BLEEP itches!"

"You mean your Smurf itches," Papa Smurf corrects her. "Oh yeah," she says, "and I need to master--I mean Smurferbate."

Gargamel, enemy of the Smurfs, is watching The Smurfette Show on TV in his house. "Who green-lit this?" he asks his cat Azrael.

As Smurfette gleefully rides one of her neighbors, Gargamel asks "Why won't they get her any help?!!"

Help is exactly what Smurfette needs, because in a line of dialogue I wish I could wash from my eardrums with Clorox, Low Self-Esteemy Smurf informs us that Smurfette needed to go to the gynecologist because her IUD kept slipping. Gargamel hears this and sends Azrael to portray the pussy who has come to fix her pu--I mean smurf.

When Smurfette is in the stirrups, she asks Dr. Azrael a pertinent question:

"While you're down there, will you pierce my smurf?"

Dr. Azrael is shocked!

Mental note: Do NOT touch her Smurf!

Azrael steals Smurfette, at Gargamel's request, but he gets more than he bargained for when she gets to his house. Looking at Gargamel seductively, Smurfette asks "do you wanna Smurf me?" before climbing on, and rubbing her body against, a large part of Gargamel's person.

His NOSE, people! (God, you've such dirty minds.)

Gargamel can't handle all that good Smurfin', and drops dead on the spot, leaving everything to Smurfette in his will. Her new digs are redesigned by Vanity Smurf, who is well past metrosexuality and even further down the road from heterosexuality.

No matter how much Queer Eye for the Smurf Girl Vanity uses to fix Gargamel's drag digs, Smurfette winds up in the same situations and routines she had in Smurf Village. TV Funhouse leaves The Smurfette Show with one final, unforgetettable glimpse of our heroine, doing what a hard partying celebrity reality show star does best.

After watching this skit, all those innocent visions of the Smurfs I had in my head were destroyed. This is why I'm not going to see the new Smurfs movie. (Lest lightning strike me, full disclosure forces me to admit this is not the only reason). But don't let me stop you from taking your kids, or even just yourself, to see it. Honest to God, I will not pass judgement. And as you're looking at Katy Perry's Smurfette, remember she is voiced by the same chick who appears in videos with cupcakes on her hooters. Don't blame me if that ruins your childhood.

 California Girls, They're Unforgettable...

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