Happy Rapture Day!
In case you’ve been under a rock, or haven’t walked through a subway station in NYC, today is the day Harold Camping says the world will end. This is the day De Lawd has chosen to return, bringing about the Armageddon that doesn’t feature Bruce Willis. But before you start dancing around like Chris Penn, singing “Let’s Hear it for The Lord,” you should be aware that this date does not exist in the Bible. In fact, if I remember my Baptist Sunday School training correctly, the Gospels say no one will know the hour of return. Camping, like far too many Christians, ignores the parts of the Bible that are inconvenient, opting instead to tell SfGate that he “has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and…has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Good Book.” As a math major, and the world’s worst Christian, I take double offense at this claim. Camping pulled this date out of his ass, much like he pulled the prior date he said the world would end. He was wrong then, and he’ll be wrong today.
Besides, I don’t know why all these televangelists and ministers are hastening Jesus’ return. The first thing He’s going to do when He gets here is to ask them “where’s all that money you raised for me?” You know damn well they don’t have it, and that can only lead to lightning bolt enemas.
The world is gonna end today for somebody, but it’ll have nothing to do with Camping Calculus and everything to do with that person’s number being pulled in the Great Beyond. Now Serving!! For the rest of us, folks who will be here tomorrow, here’s a Rapture Playlist for you to load into your iPod. If I’m wrong, and the world does end today, at least you’ll have some good music to play should you decide to do the Dougie with De Lawd.
Rapture, by Blondie
Of course, we have to start here. Celebrating its 30th anniversary, Blondie’s hit rarely gets mentioned as the first rap-infused hit by both a White artist and a woman. Deborah Harry’s excellent vocal and the song’s bouncy and strange music far overshadow the fact that the rap part is hokey as hell. Harry pulls it off, but making sense of it is likely to cause nosebleeds. (Editor note: The author knows every single word to this song, so he’s fulla shit.) Sampled later by my favorite rapper, KRS-ONE, Rapture still holds up as both a mile marker on the highway of rap history and fodder for an occasional remake. As a bonus, watch this video to see where Flavor Flav got his style.
Caught up in the Rapture, by Anita Baker
If I believed the world were ending today, I wouldn’t be here with you. I’d be fucking everything that was breathing, human and above the age of consent. (With that said, I might be with you…) I’m going to Hell anyway, may as well secure my place there. Anita Baker, like other R&B/Soul artists too numerous to mention, can help set the mood for my final acts of sin. Baker’s an appropriate artist here; her entire album is called Rapture. There are worse musical accompaniments while sliding into Hell with your eyes wide open (to quote my mother). Speaking of my eternal resting place:
Hell, by Squirrel Nut Zippers
May be the happiest-sounding song about eternal damnation I have ever heard.
Highway to Hell, by AC/DC
Far more of you will be on this than on the Stairway to Heaven. Satan himself provided me with the video clip for this; it’s one of those awful movie tie in videos. I’m so evil. Speaking of God’s Stairmaster:
Stairway to Heaven, by the O’Jays
When Rat from Fast Times at Ridgemont High mentions Stairway to Heaven as great makeout music, us Black kids thought he meant THIS version. Our bad!
Spirit in the Sky, by Norman Greenbaum
“I never been a sinner, I never sinned, I got a friend in Jesus,” sang Greenbaum. We’ll see! The opening riff in this song gets my vote for what should be playing when Jesus descends from the sky.
Gotta Serve Somebody, Bob Dylan
“It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you hafta serve somebody,” sings Mr. Dylan. It’s too late to take Bob’s advice, but you might find out today if you made the right choice. Dylan’s writing ability is a gift from Heaven. His vocal ability is from the other place for sure.
Heaven, by Bebe and CeCe Winans
I could have chosen Bryan Adams’ Heaven, but even I’m not that sadistic. Bebe and CeCe threw a few extra banana peels on my descent into Hell because they had a different slow jam record I used to screw to before I realized it was about God. Thanks, guys.
Heaven is a Place on Earth, Belinda Carlisle
You know my love of the 80’s wasn’t going to go unnoticed here. But wouldn’t it just SUCK if this song’s title were actually true? Where would Heaven be? Iowa, like in Field of Dreams? Disney World? Newark, NJ? Y’all better hope Jesus says “WRONG, Miss Go Go Thing!” to Belinda Carlisle.
Why Me, Lord? by Kris Kristofferson
If De Lawd is anything like my mother, the answer will be “Because I said so.”
Happy Apocalypse Now!