Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Ploy To Get Laid Gone Awry

By Odienator

Blogger's Note:  This was written in November, 2009, the day a radio station sponsored screening of Twilght: New Moon unspooled at a theater I used to frequent when I lived in Ohio. An old classmate of mine mentioned that she'd suffered through it on DVD recently, which made me think of this story. Two things you should know about this story:

1. It has never seen the light of day, outside of the original E-mail it appeared in and

2. Normally, the tales of my adventures you will read here are 100% true. This one has a little bit of poetic license in it. I'll let you figure out where that is, but I must warn you: It is NOT where you think it is.


I got cussed out today by a woman.

I know. I know. "What else is new, Odie? When do you not get cussed out by a woman?" Today's cuss-out is brought to you by Stephenie Meyer, the woman who proves that Black folks aren't the only race of people who get way too creative with the spellings of regular names. Ms. Meyer is also the writer of the Twilight series, whose second installment opened in theaters at 9 PM tonight. I was at a bar next to one of the theaters out here. I noticed the line for the cinema spiraled around the parking lot and was full of women of all ages. Some of them were dressed as Bella, the main character played by Kristen Stewart. I didn't see one man on the line.

 "What's all this?" asked a guy sitting near me. "The theater has an early screening of the Twilight movie," said the bartender. A very attractive woman sitting next to me said "oh God, I can't wait to see that! I LOVE Edward!" Responding to the face I made, the woman said "I take it that you don't like Twilight?"

"It's not for me," I said."Well, if you read the books," the woman told me, "you'd see how pure and wonderful this love story is." She started to swoon. "Edward and Bella! I wish I had that kind of love!"

I'm being punked, I thought. Where is Ashton Kutcher?

I told her "I'll have you know that I read Twilight." She looked surprised, then pleased. Her pleasure was short-lived. "It was nauseating," I began. "The author should be shot out of a cannon. She single-handedly has suggested an entire generation of women should behave like obsessive wenches who can't live without a man. That Bella was straight up Fatal Attraction, pining for Edward to the point where I wanted to scream 'BITCH BUY A DILDO, DAMN!'"

The woman looked stunned, as if I'd slapped her in the face with a copy of Breaking Dawn. Her stunned expression gave way to a look I've seen before, pure Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned rage. She started breathing heavily, as if she were about to turn into the Hulk. "How dare you say that about EDWARRRRD?!!" Her voice was low and guttural. "He LOVED Bella! Fuck you, you bastard!!!" She stormed away from the bar and sat at one of the empty tables. She glared at me, shaking as she drank her cocktail.

The bartender shook his head and went back to cleaning his beer glasses. The other guy at the bar looked at me as if asking "what just happened?" I shrugged.

Sitting here at home later this evening, I had an epiphany. "Odie, you JACKASS!" yelled my epiphany. "The theater is full of overheating women swooning for Edward. Didn't you see how that woman reacted? If you had only said you loved Edward too, that you wanted to give the kind of love Edward gives, you would be nailing that woman right now! Your penis hates you."

"I hate you," said a voice behind my zipper.

Shit, I thought. I gotta get back in good with the equipment. I knew what I had to do.

I went to Target. 
After my brief shopping shopping excursion, I showed up at the theater. Looking at my watch, I calculated that the New Moon screening would end in 15 minutes. I adjusted my newly bought attire in my car mirror and waited. "Don't mess this up, Odie!" I said to myself.

As women started pouring out of the theater, I got out of my car and started walking toward the theater doors. As I got closer, I could see some of the women had been crying. And not just the tweeners, but the 20-somethings as well. I approached one of the 20-somethings dressed like Kristen Stewart and said the only line I remember from the book.  "Bella, I don't have the strength to stay away from you."

She looked at me, not sure what to do. She was dressed like Bella...

...and I was dressed like Edward.

I had the Halloween clearance rack vampire cape I got from Target on, plus some fake teeth I'd also retrieved from the clearance table. "Be mine, Bella," I said, sounding like Bela Lugosi's brother from Paterson, New Jersey.

It wasn't working. She was in love with Edward, a pasty, anorexic looking White boy, not Blacula! She started to back away slowly.

Suddenly, I remembered--the vampires SPARKLE in the book. Immediately, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the big tube of glitter I bought. "Sparkle sparkle sparkle!" I said as I threw a huge handful of glitter in the air.

"My eyes!!" Bella yelled.

"My ass!" I yelled when I saw the police officer briskly walking over to where I was. My fake Bella chose this opportunity to make her escape. "Edward wouldn't do that," I swore I heard her say.

"You need to go home, Edward," said the cop.

I looked at him incredulously. He thought I was delusional. "Officer, I don't think I'm Edward," I said. "This was a ploy to get laid gone awry."

"I understand, Edward," he said. "Go home."

"My name's not Edward! It's O--"

Common Sense held my tongue. "You're gonna tell him your name, asshole?!!" snapped Common Sense. "Why not just jump on his police car?!"

"Edward going home," I said to the cop. "Good," he said.

"I hate you," said a voice behind my zipper.

"I hate you, too." said I.

No comments: